I was hurt. I was angry. I was relieved. I was confused. What were these emotions? I knew this day was coming, so why did I feel overwhelmed? It has taken me a while to sort all the mental and emotional clutter but I finally realized what was the heart of the issue. Much like when my daughter left home I was bereft and adrift. That is because I identified as her mother. Although I no longer have a child at home--I am still a mom. The transition from family unit to empty-nester was managable because I was still working. I was still slightly grounded. The transitioned from employed to unemployed knocked me for a loop... because my identity was my job. Whoa-- My job? Really?!
So now that life as slowed considerably and I have had my epiphany-- what has changed? Everything! The hubbs and I are having real face to face conversations. I am cooking and baking more. Which is great because I actually find solace in it (not working in my crap-tastic kitchen but it's ok that is isn't perfect. It gives me a goal). I have reconnected with friends. And family. It kind of like my brain and life have been rebooted. Me-version 2.0, haha. Am I still unsure of my future? Yes I just have less fear now. Because I have to believe it will be ok.