Bloom Where You Are Planted

I REALLY debated if I wanted to post this or not and decided yes, I should share...

This isn't a particularly funny or entertaining post today. Nor is it photo laden as are many of blog entries I post. However, I would like think this is worth the read.

The hubbs and I have been working around the ol' homestead, trying to clean up and get rid of stuff. So much stuff.  You know how it goes...things that you set aside, with the promise that you will take care of it tomorrow or next week or next month or next year. Then pretty soon you stop seeing all the stuff and clutter. Or you just stop caring because your attention and energy are focused elsewhere.

Behind our garage I have a very old, rusty dump cart. It has a tire that goes flat all the time but once the tire is inflated it can still be hooked up to the riding mower to haul stuff. Except it has been back there for about 2 years. Unused, aging and piled up with all sorts of stuff. Old willow branches, plastic flower pots, busted solar lights, extra tomato cages, and  some old plants which were meant to be composted.

In the midst of finally clearing out what really should be considered a garbage pile, I came across a very tattered package. It was sun faded, ragged, and disintegrating due being exposed to the elements. I was able to make out just enough from the faded image this had been the sleeve to a blackberry plant. Much to my surprise, beneath the debris was the little plastic bag that had contained the bare root blackberry, and it was... alive. 

The bag had split so moisture had been able to seep in, it had been insulated from the harshest of the weather by all the junk piled on top, but was still able have some slivers of sunlight. Against all odds, this organic, living plant had survived. I wish I had a photo when I first pulled it out, it had only 1 set of straggly leaves. Rather wilted and  looking almost ready to give up.  I was able to intervene and save it...although technically it was my fault it was in the "junk" pile. When it been placed there I really thought it was non viable.

This really gave me pause. The cart and the plant. They are metaphors for the human condition. How often do we clutter our lives, our minds our emotions by hanging on to what is essentially junk? Suppressing the feelings, emotions, ideas or projects which need to be nurtured?  You like the cart, carry this burden. If you are lucky, occasionally you have something that pumps you up and gets you going again when feel overwhelmed. You like the plant held onto hope. Grasping and clawing to survive, just to get through to the next moment. Until you couldn't. And just when you are ready to give up, your burden is eased. Either through external influence or the casting off your internal baggage.

As you can see this plant-as shown in the photo above-now thrives. A change in perspective if you will. Now firmly rooted, the plant is safe and secure. The tendrils of growth reach for the warmth of the sun and more growth has appeared as the plant is now longer confined to the plastic bag.

This story, no story isn't quite right. Story implies a entertainment or whimsical fable. This is a truth. This no longer about the human condition in general non-descript terms. This is me and my truth. Oh the plant and it's conditions were quite true. This is me.

You see... for the last 17 years, living in this house, I was never quite emotionally invested. This house was NEVER meant to be the forever house. We moved here during a very tumultuous time in our (my life) lives. I have carried so many burdens, moving through life with stoic responsibility. I was always hoping, wishing, wanting different and better.

During the time in this house there has been major chronic illness, job loss, death, and despair. There have also been moments of joy and celebration but I was often fixated tomorrow. Or as soon as I fix this..or change that...or when it is perfect I will...or SOMEDAY I am gonna...What if...

Next thing I know, it is 17 years later. I am 50 years old and I have buried myself under a pile of unrealistic expectations. I made myself a prisoner of unhappiness. I didn't allow myself to grow as I was too busy searching for happiness and fulfillment to realize that which I sought was always within my grasp.

You see, even though I live in My Cozy Little Farmhouse, very few--if any one--external to my family comes to my home. There are many reasons I could offer. I like solitude, peace and quiet. My home is my dojo--my sanctuary. But when you peel back all the layers, the core truth is insecurity. I am insecure.

The house isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. There is a litany list of unfinished projects. I am an unfinished project. To invite someone in is have my serenity interrupted. I will be vulnerable. The thought of my house being scrutinized sends my anxiety skyrocketing. I will be judged.  I'll tell you this... being a neurotic control freak can be quite lonely at times. 

I met with a very dear friend for lunch recently. She was kind enough to loan me some books (the top 4 are loans, the Encyclopedia was her gift to me, the pressure cooker books are library loans and the last 3 garden books are mine) from her glorious personal library. 

We have known each other for at least 8 years. And she has not, in all that time, been to my house. I have been to her house a few times. I have other friends whom I have known even longer and it is the same situation. I have been to their homes, but they have not been to mine. Or the select few that have been here, it has been only once, many years ago.

So during the lunch conversation, my friend and I discussed opening myself up to happiness.  Much like my tenacious little blackberry plant, I can be a bit prickly. For the blackberry plant, beyond the thorns and layers of foliage, with time and nurturing is a reward. Fortunately for me I have a few wonderful and caring people in my life who have decided to look beyond my thorns. And the reward is I am blessed with their friendship.

This blog is easy. The friendships...and I REALLY do consider these friendships are distant. You don't really see the chaos and imperfection, because after all it is selective editing and presentation.  Up close and personal interaction...well that is a bit more difficult.

 However, I am no longer just hoping and wishing for perfection. I am going to reach for my happiness which has been here all along. I am going to bask in the warm sun of every new day,  make the most of where and how I live. I have cast off my junk pile of burdens and break out of my self imposed prison. It may take some time for me to acclimate to this new life. Because much like my spunky little blackberry plant, I too will thrive.

You see, I finally made the decision to bloom where I am planted.

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Happy Easter

I woke early today because the puppy decided it was to nice a day to sleep in at 6:30 this morning. In some regards, I suppose he was correct. The air is cool and crisp.  Everything smells of rain and earth. The landscape  is greening up and there are little pockets of sprouts popping up with my various bulbs poking through the soil.

I decided to have a cup of tea, sit on the porch  and enjoy the sights and sounds of this Easter morning. The dogs were happy to sniff about-and in Frazzle's case-dig what is probably his 100th hole in my yard. And as a side note-where exactly does all the dirt from the holes go because when push the soil back they never quite fill back up? My cat Sam-Sam was busy running through the yards and bushes, mainly to annoy the dogs, I think. 

I watch the antics of squirrels as they performed like furry little acrobats to pinch some goodies from the bird feeders. And if I had been awake enough to to think I would have grabbed my camera to take what would have been some great pictures...oh well. I was serenaded with a wonderful harmony as all the various birds chirped and tweeted. It is so relaxing and my mind freely wanders, often recalling memories of my youth and especially those of my daughter as a small child.

I can recall all the sights and sounds, as the memories of Easter's past play like a movie in my mind.  Our house is empty as our daughter is grown and married. There will be no brightly colored baskets filled with toys and candy. No high pitched squeals as she discovered the Easter bunny has brought her gifts. No blue eyed little girl dressed in her frilly Easter dress, tights and patent leather shoes. No little face and hands covered in chocolate. Thinking back to those days, I didn't appreciate the joy and wonder they brought. I was to busy cooking or trying to keep her dress clean. We were always in a hurry to go to church or the in laws for dinner. We didn't take the time to savor the moment.

 I am, perhaps, a touch sad for not appreciating what once was,  I am happy because I did have the experience of a child's wonderment. The child-like joy has been replaced with companionship as my daughter and our son in law will join us for dinner today. We are fortunate to actually be friends with our daughter and son in law. I prefer to think of it as trading up. While it was wonderful to experience the time of my daughter's childhood, it immensely more joyful to see her blossom as an adult. 

So while I might be nostalgic for the past I am grateful for the present and eager for the future. And all the memories it will create.

Happy Easter everyone!

Happy Thanksgiving

A little thanksgiving humor to lighten the mood

Today was a somber occasion since my dad lost his fight against cancer yesterday. We took the day to reflect. Not just for my dad. But all those who are now gone from our lives. To be thankful for all the memories. To be thankful for the experience of  life--even of it doesn't turn out just so.
 To be thankful we have a a cozy little home to shelter us. To be  thankful for reliable transportation to take the hubbs to his job everyday. To be thankful we can afford food and don't know hunger. To be thankful for the love and companionship of family, friends, and our  beloved pets. 

To be thankful every single day because every day is a gift. To be thankful for love, to live, to learn and to do good.

No fancy meal needed for that!

We didn't have a traditional dinner today as the hubbs and I stayed home. 

We had Thanksgiving chili, haha 

We are going to have a holiday ham dinner tomorrow with our daughter and son-in-law. Sunday we will have traditional turkey (well deep fried) with the hubb's family.

So I hope y'all had a wonderful day! Even if it wasn't perfect, enjoy all the moments, make some memories, be joyous and be thankful!

Lessons from my garden

I needed a breather today from all the seriousness in my life right now. Just a minute to catch my breath and clear my my mind. 

Here's a quick update...

My dad is still hanging in there.

My mom is undergoing more procedures 

And surprisingly I am doing well in my classes (My class average is 2 A's and 3 B's)

The weather has been odd for this time of year for Ohio. Ok-- let me modify that by saying the entire spring, summer and NOW fall season has been odd for Ohio...We have had temps down in the 30's...the 30's!!..so much so I had to turn my furnace on already. Wonder what The Old Farmers Almanc has predicted for this winter?

Anyhoo, I decided to take a quick walk around the garden, jotted some notes in my journal because next weekend--weather be damned--I am doing a major overhaul of the perennial beds. I have the unenviable task of moving--well everything. The plants have overgrown their beds, some beds are aesthetically unbalanced and almost all of the plants need divided.

I  grabbed  my camera and took a walk. 

My roses are sputtering along and I captured these two lovely blooms.

I have absolutely no ideal what this is growing the flower pot!

The last lonely Zinnia, still standing tall.

Then I went past the Blue Liriope not paying much attention. Then a small movement caught my eye.

After my excursion-no matter how short-I found the tension had left my shoulders and I was smiling. 

And I think my garden gave me a great lesson..

1.  There is beauty all around us.

2. Sometimes life will give you surprises. 

3.Always stand tall

4. Take time to appreciate the little things.

Have a great rest of the week y'all!

It only took me"20 something" years

...to be classified as independent. Sorry this post is totally not home improvement and repair related. But it is self improvement related. I can be my own project, right? Oh and the independent remark--that is because I had to fill out a FAFSA. OH MY GOD--I had to fill out financial aid forms. I kinda broke out into a cold sweat. Do you know how long it has been since I have done any of this crap stuff? Long enough for me to not tell you because it makes me feel ancient!

Yeah so after filling in all the financial, submitting my DNA and promise of my first borns' first born (haha) a little window popped up and said "Based on all the information and criteria, you can be classified as an independent student and no information is required about your parents".  So how do you like those corn nuts?

Gee, what was the first clue I was independent? The gray hair, the wrinkles, the fact that I am middle aged, graduated during Reagen-nomics or that I am in debt up to my tukkas?

This is how I felt today when I answered my High School graduation year question

Those FAFSA forms are age biased!

The good news I managed to complete 4 items from the "Going to College" checklist. Up next are my placement tests. Sure hope my "Sometimezeimers" doesn't kick in. Because you know sometimes my brain synapses fire just fine and well other days they don't.

I hope to see this after I take my tests

and not this

Yeah, I am kinda nervous...

Falling down the rabbit hole

Alice in Wonderland

Figuratively speaking! I apologize for my erratic posts of late. I am on a deadline to get my life back on track. I am preparing to go back to school.

The white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland

I feel very much like the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. Always in hurry. Always chafing under time restraints. Always late...for something. 

I have so many things (tasks, responsibilities,, demands) I am trying to balance. My daily chores, my budget, the needs and request from everyone on my time, managing my push to be more self sufficient (which includes learning sewing/ quilting, canning and expanding my garden), the never-ending home improvements (which are necessary to reduce our utility consumption), all the paperwork, applications and testing for school (so that I can have new career)  and somewhere admist the chaos carving  time for me.

"Which road do I take?" (Alice)

"Where do you want to go?" (Cheshire Cat)

"I don't know," Alice answered.

"Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter.”

“If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.”

When you think about it Alice in Wonderland seems to be a good narrative for my life. Bored  and complacent (my previous job), I fall down the rabbit hole (becoming unemployed) encounter various unusual creatures in Wonderland (all the governmental agencies I must deal with) as I go on a most unusual journey on a river of tears, some days I feel small and some days I feel big. I have already endured the vexing and annoying conversations of the Cheshire cat (embodied by the know-it-alls) engaged in battle with the Queen of Hearts (those that have attempted to cut me down and belittle me) and now I would like to believe I have made way out of the rabbit hole, awoken from my dark fantasy to emerge stronger and self assured.

“Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle.” 
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I think I finally have the puzzle complete, have regained my sense of self and have climbed out of the rabbit hole. 

“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then. ” 
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland