Funny Monday

It is back to the grind today as I resume classes. Being the disciplined student I am, I happened upon this from Snarky in the Suburbs while perusing Facebook, and HAD to borrow it!

Can all my bloggy friends relate?

The Christmas Hangover

I bet there are alot of people with a Christmas hangover!

They're plotting against me...

I just know it! I am not paranoid! (Ok -well, I am just not this time! This time it is for real-sies). In case you don't know what in the hay I am talking about. Nature is against me. Specifically those vile little vermin---MICE!!!

polyvore.com

OMG! I am having a mice pandemic  epidemic! Maybe not quite an epidemic. But enough for me to freak out!! Not sure if you remember me ranting about the dang Christmas mouse issue? Yeah well guess what? The little SOB's have militarized and invaded my house.

Here is the excerpt I posted on my Facebook status the other night--

I am sitting in chair listening to my cat, Calamity Sam rampage through the house. Man-- he is really tearing up his toy catnip mouse! Mind you I am only watching him with peripheral vision. He comes tearing into the living room tossing and batting at his toy mouse. I laugh until the *TOY* mouse squeaks and CLIMBS up my drapery!!!!!! SONOFA@#$%^ it is a real FREAKING MOUSE!!!! AARRRGGGGG!!!

Um yeah. It CLIMBED up my drape!!! I about had a heart attack on the spot.  What's worse is it launched itself off the curtain. Chaos ensued as follows: My wussie dogs jumped up on the couch, I screamed bloody murder and the cat tore through the living room trying to get the mouse. Sam-sam did manage to run the mouse out of the living room but lost it somewhere in my dining room. GREEEAAATTTTTT!

After a very crappy night's sleep because I am all twitchy and paranoid of the mouse in my house, I finally begin to settle down and think it will be ok. I know what your are thinking. Really-I do. Mind reading happens to be one of my many talents.You're thinking "it is just a mouse and you live in a 131 yr old farmhouse. I should just deal with it... " As I was saying writing, I thought I was ok... Until the bathroom incident. 

I was in my downstairs bathroom/ laundry room (it's not ideal --don't judge) folding laundry when I kept hearing some weird noise. I stopped folding laundry, turned off the dryer and listened intently. OMG it sounds like chewing! In MY walls!  So of course I freak out , holler for my hubbs --who tells me I'm freaking out--REALLY?! and then he is running his mouth saying he doesn't hear anything. That is because he WON'T shut-up! So I put my hand over his mouth--Not enough to cut off his air supply and smother him--yet and motion for him to listen. 

clker.com

Yup he's fast learner he is...We both go and beat on the tub surround and chewing stops momentarily. But then just to mock me and let me know they have the upper hand, paw foot? the chewing resumes. So the hubbs trudges to the dungeon, cellar, basement, flashlight in hand. He hollers up to tell me he doesn't see anything. GAHHHH. So like a mad woman I begin beating the hell out of the bathtub surround. I am pretty sure I could have taken out Mike Tyson at this point ANNND there may have been a round house kick included in my beat down. 

I turn around (breathing heavy- maybe sweating a bit-because that was a work out) to find my hubbs staring at me. With his mouth hanging open. You would think after 23 years together he would recognize psycho when he sees it..  I practically snarl, "WHAT?!" He merely shakes his head and backs out of the bathroom. Smart man! Hey--the good news the chewing stopped.  The bad news--I may have cracked the tub surround.

After yet another night of of restless sleep because I had nightmares of mouse swarms...bleh. Sitting at the laptop this morning finishing this post, drinking my tea and feeling good about the day...then I hear the all to familiar squeak and Calamity Sam Rampage.  This whole cat and mouse thing is over rated. He's a cat. They are mice. How hard is it for him to catch them. He has claws and teeth. I think SamSam might be a double agent. I am not sure if he is on the look out or conspiring with the enemy here...

Taking a cue from Carl Spackler (that's a Caddyshack reference for y'all--quite possibly one of the best Bill Murray movies--EVER!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bv87T1CQF8E

http://cheezburger.com

"So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower.  And that is all she wrote"




 stardate 3/09/12--Linking up to 



This post didn't stink Per se. I had decent traffic and lots of comments but dealing with vermin stinks!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stinkin' it Up

source

Normally I am quite sensitive to the fact someone told me I stink. Stank. Stunk. Whatever. It may have to do with the stinky pants girl episode. I think I still need therapy to deal with that one. No- I really don't want to talk about it. No....NO...NOOOO...Really?! You just are not gonna leave me alone until I tell you.. Fine.  It is soooo very embarrassing. Lean in a little closer while I whisper what happened....

In the not so distant past (see you thought this was a tortured childhood story--sadly--no) there was the VERY unfortunate incident that occurred while I was at work. I was attending a class and on my break I went outside to get some air. That and because I lose my mind doing the whole touchy feel-y corporate class crap. Well that was a poor choice of word.

Anyway it happened to have been a very nice day. Although the preceding days had been rainy. I sat down on the curb of the side walk and was texting friends. Biding my time until I had to return to my class. As I was walking in I caught a whiff of something...off. I checked my shoes...nope. Kept walking. I still smell...something...

Finally someone comes up to tell me there is something on the back of my pants. I go to the ladies room to look. I get some paper towels to start wiping off my pants. I thought maybe it was dirt. Or mud. Ummmm no. It was boot scrape poop. I sat in crap !!! OMG!!! I was mortified!  I had CRAP on the ass of pants. While I was at work. I was...STINKY PANTS GIRL...GAHHHHH!   True Story....FML!

So you see WHY I might take offense at someone telling me I stink. Stank. Stunk. Whatever. Anyhoo, I make an exception because I was called out by Janel at Hating Martha. It's true. I voluntarily stunk up the blog-o-sphere with less than interesting post on my Vintage Headboard.  The post initially only garnered 10 views (which was probably all my family--bless their hearts!) and no comments. As in zilch. Zip. Nada, Goose egg.

Insert the the EPIC FAIL (wah wah wah) sound here.

Even worse than the post being an epic fail, is ME being the epic fail. As in I AM the procrastinator from hell. I have had the headboard and mirror for a decade...maybe more. I kept saying I was gonna do something with it AAAAANNNNDDDD never did.

So what. Guess I am a stinking loser. OR maybe--this is Winning. (sorry couldn't resist a little Charlie Sheen humor) ha ha

They say road to hell is paved with good intentions. If that is true then portal to hell is in my garage

Maybe I need to install a sign in front of my garage.

I wonder if the neighbors would approve?

ALLLL  that stuff  I said I was gonna do something with SOMEDAY?  Guess my someday is here. And I am totally gonna make the headboard and mirror awesome. (As for the other stuff--meh, I'll get to it--eventually) 


No go away while I wallow in my own stink

The self esteem post (or lack thereof)

Yikes. Nothing like a little peer review to keep you on your toes! (Or make you take to the drink) I am participating in the "What I Like About Your Blog" hosted by Inspire Me Heather.
All I have to say is my self esteem isn't directly related to the number of followers I have. Or the number of comments I receive. Or if someone likes my blog.
YEAH RIGHT!! That's a big fat lie!
I am an insecure, self-conscious, neurotic train wreck. OMG! What if they don't like my blog (don't like me)? Or if they don't think my blog is pretty (don't like me)? Or if they don't think I am funny enough (don't like me)? Or if they don't think my content is interesting enough (don't like me)?
So you seeeeeee how this is going right?
I AM    people!!! 
So please only post loving accolades and shower me with compliments.
Is that to much for a girl to ask? Hmmmmmmm?
Positive self esteem is the equivalent of Rainbows, Unicorns and Glitter

Sourced from web

Negative self esteem is me killing the pain with food 

http://docakilah.wordpress.com

No-one wants to be responsible for this right?  

Positive self esteem=GOOD. Negative self-esteem=BAD.

Soooo......please like me

Here are a few friends pleading to you to like me on my behalf...

Please like  My Cozy Little Farmhouse. She's the cat's meow!

Please like My Cozy Little Farmhouse. We love her thisssssss much!

Please like My Cozy Little Farmhouse. She has content  tastier than a T-bone!

Please like My Cozy Little Farmhouse. She's baaaaahhaaaaa hilarious!

Thank you for your support!

The Fatted Calf

Curse my Eastern European heritage!! I come from hearty peasant stock as evident with my short stocky (some say fat, I say fluffy) frame. However, TODAY,  I have reached my breaking point. My crazy awesome muck-luk rain boots arrived and they do not fit over my muscular calves!! GAH...I am dying. 

I actually have shapely legs. It one of the few places the fat didn't settle. I am so depressed. The boots are even more obnoxiously vibrant in their fantastic plastic reality.  Even if I greased up like a pig and pole I couldn't get these suckers to slide over my calves. I need medical intervention. Is there a surgical procedure for  calvesplasty or lipocalvesostemy?

OH the horror! I shall have to settle for plain yucky boots from megawallymart.  Booooo.

Glitterati Not-y

I just have to ask. What is up with the glitter-fied and sequin-y Christmas? Everywhere I look (Target, Walmart, Meijers) it is glitter disco town. Don't get me wrong, if I had been there back in the the day I so would have been shaking my groove thing at Club 54. Didn't happen 'cause 1) I'm not a Naw Yawker 2) um-I would have been like 10--that would have been a little to much Pretty Baby-ish

I'm not anti-glitter or anything but I just like my Christmas ornaments a little more traditional  handmade looking.

 Just not handmade by the tween scene. Peruse the Christmas aisles--there are enough sequins, glitter (and feathers) that it looks like there was a Vegas showgirl cat fight backstage.

This looks like something my cat would leave on the doostep

I DO like things that are shiny, sparkly, blingy because contrary to popular belief I on occasion exhibit a girly side. As a matter of fact this would do nicely..hehe

I just don't want to have to clean glitter and sequins from every surface of my house. Not to mention my dog and cats like to ingest the stuff. Then it becomes a special after school special called Kitt-cats digestive disco. Trust me-NO ONE wants to see that.

Although I suppose if you MUST have a glittery ornaments click here for a great  DIY no-mess glitterfying glass ornaments craft session.

Glitter ornaments aren't the worst ornaments I have seen. For those click here, here just plain wrong) annnnd here. Be warned because you can't unsee it once viewed. (Although #10 on the first list still makes me laugh. Maniacally)

Ho Ho Ho ....Noooooo

Merry Fatmas

Or the alternate titles of  The Eating Season or  Not All Fat People are Jolly could apply. I am almost (notice I said almost) over the edge with the amount of food that has been available. Rather a selfish statement considering there a great deal of people who go to bed hungry every night. ( Hey--I contribute to food pantry's, Round Up for the Hungry and I am not a completely self absorbed foodiefatgirl).  In the past week, my work has had our annual Facility holiday dinner (Wed), our Safety luncheon (Thur) and our Lab Christmas dinner (Fri). Of course there are the social gatherings with friends for dinner and gift exchange, the platters of cookies, bowls of candies...well you get the ideal. 

I know what you are thinking. "Just exercise some self control" BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA...Oh, excuse me. Exercise and self-control in the same sentence? For me? HA! I believe that is what is called an oxy-moron. If I DID exercise and have self control, it wouldn't be an issue....

 Don't get me wrong I luuuurvvve the Christmas season. I get to decorate and set up my Christmas trees. I break out my massive collection of Christmas gift wrap and have pretty presents on display.

 I can listen  and sing along (badly) to Christmas music. I get to go SHOPPING and don't' have to come up with some lame-ass story for the hubbs. It is a sanctioned shopping season. Woo Hoo!! 

(Disclaimer--this is NOT me. I only wish I were that jubilant when shopping. Oh there is the young, attractive and slender thing too--SO...NOT...ME) 

I get to watch all my favorite Christmas movies.

I get to wear warm fuzzy pj's, a cozy robe and reindeer slippers!

I get to drink cocoa, cook, bake and eat all the yummy holiday nom-nom's. Oh yeah-we're back to the eating thing. Maybe if I didn't spend so much time ensconced in the big comfy recliner,  watching movies, loafing around in pj's AND eating I wouldn't feel like this--

Oh well that's what January is for right? New year, not so new resolution to lose weight get in shape, blah, blah, blah.  So for now I am gonna eat, drink (lot's o Pepto)  and be merry, happy, jolly grateful for sweaters and baggy sweatshirts.  I will  not worry about not being a chubby chasers' pin up girl until January. Excuse me because there is plate of sugar cookies calling my name...